Personal relationship skills

Personal relationship skills are techniques which people can use to help in their long-term personal relationships. Personal relationship skills help to maintain intimacy in all its forms, intensify the emotional bonds of loved ones, strengthen relationships, and enrich people's lives with hope.
The term "personal relationship skills" is typically used by psychologists, self help books, therapists (e.g., marriage guidance counsellors) and also mental health researchers and practitioners.
The skills listed together in relationship books are: , , , , , , , and .
History of personal relationship skills
Pre-history
Examples of using these relationship skills appear in literary history since writing began. Written moral advice first appeared circa 3300BC-2000BC and a confrontation was documented in hieroglyphics circa 1350BC.
Ancient
The Greek, Roman and Chinese philosophers had much to say on personal relationship skills. The institution of marriage was a bedrock of their society. For example - Ovid, Marcus Aurelius, Confucius, Socrates, Plato and Cicero.
Present day
Research journals and a multitude of long-term studies report their new findings frequently. There is still much to learn and discover. For a review of some ongoing studies, see .
Many authors develop an approach to relationships based on skills which can be learnt.

Skills relevant to children
Children's skills differ from adults However it has also been shown that (with intervention) insecure children are not an inevitable outcome. If a parent is given appropriate training an insecure parent can raise a secure child.
Building these skills is key for children:
Resilience, self esteem, self-efficacy, readiness to learn and a positive social identity are all protective assets, influencing a very wide range of health and social outcomes. It is crucial that children enjoy good mental health as this forms the basis of an emotionally and physically healthy adult life.

Skills relevant to adults
Loving well

:Loving well is a gift which people can delight in. Loving another person well enriches both because the sum of the two halves adds up to more as a whole. The hope for a joyous future together can allow a partnership to overcome seemingly intractable obstacles when they face adversity.
Kindness
In surveys, when people are asked what they most desire from their personal relationship, kindness appears as a highly prized trait sought for in a partner.

Human bonding
Physical intimacy plays an important part in long term relationships with displays of affection maintaining bonds and the ties that bind.
"We are designed by evolution to be primarily motivated to attach to other people" ~ David Wallin 
* "mentalization" - Peter Fonagy
* "meta-cognition" - Mary Main
* Six Thinking Hats "blue hat" - Edward De Bono
* "Reflective practice" - Donald Schön
* "Psychologically minded"
* "Psychological flexibility" - A.C.T.
"The whole idea of thinking about thinking is that we learn about ourselves through being understood by other people. Babies learn about their feelings by having their feelings understood by someone else." ~ David Wallin
Thinking about thinking is that capacity for reflecting on one's own experience and the experience of others that allows us:
# To raise secure children
# To free ourselves from repeating our own negative behaviours; to change our own programming.
i.e., To learn from our own and others' mistakes and to learn from others' good examples.
Studies have demonstrated that when individuals engage in therapeutic writing about emotional experiences, significant physical and mental health improvements follow. Changes in basic cognitive processes during writing are likely to result in better health. One study showed that reflective writing with insightful analysis had the best developmental outcomes for the writer themselves.
Open to change
Being open to change has been shown to be an important skill.
Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) promises to make the eastern mindfulness concepts more accessible to western readers.
The ACT approach avoids several self-help traps. ACT does not make wisdom purely instrumental - not just a tool for achieving the perfect relationship or career. ACT does not lead to a path of obsessive self-improvement.
Meeting needs
Meeting of needs and showing care are assisted by communication.
Falling in love is such a wonderful experience because it holds the hope that needs for attention, support and company will be satisfied forever.
Encouragement
Encouragement, appreciation, praise, security
Negotiation
: Two approaches are applicable for personal relationships:
: (a) Constructive conflict
::6 stages: preparation, lead in, confrontation, active listening, negotiation, follow up
:(b) Compromise
: Keeping it together during negotiation helps build all-important rapport to achieve a win-win solution which pleases everyone.
Cheerfulness
* Physical activity, task setting, art, music, stories and humour, Love.
* .
Best practices
: The best practices for happy relationships include communication and following principles.
: Trust is one principle which cuts down on lots of rules between those in the relationship.
: Seeking support - one pitfall
: Seeking support is generally considered an important way for people to cope with stress. However there is a pitfall in seeking social support from friends about an intimate relationship.
: Seeking social support from friends has generally been found to be associated with negative outcomes It is not recorded in the research whether the couples who ended up in divorce found satisfactory social support or not. The pitfall is that an intimate relationship is very private and a partner who confides in friends breaks the confidentiality boundaries which a couple have a right to expect. This can cause problems for the relationship. It can be interpreted as a lack of respect for the partner's privacy. Seeking professional support from a relationship-focussed counsellor (e.g., Relate) should not normally have the same danger.
: In other words - "your friends are likely to side with you."
: Seeking support - relationship therapy
: In seeking support via psychological therapy it has been found that the most important factor is the counsellor who performs the counselling. The actual therapy model or "theory" which the counsellor uses is less important.
: Amongst dozens of techniques are several therapy theories which have been empirically proven to be successful in helping intimate relationships.
: However, who delivers the therapy is more important than which particular model the therapist follows.
: A mindful, , approach has been shown to give the best results for long term success. Being mindful is better than running to a therapist or turning to drink or drugs when problems arise.
Criticism
“Science, when applied to personal relationships, is always just wrong.”

~ E. M. Forster

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