Zombie club

Zombie clubs are blunt weapons commonly wielded by zombies. They usually consist of a long shaft of crude wood with an assortment of nails pushed through one end. The number of nails in the club is directly proportional to its level by the formula:

Where level is greater than or equal to 1. It has been argued by some mathematicians that the number of nails in a zombie club can also be determined by its age, however, no generic algorithm yet exists for this purpose and the problem is believed to be undecidable (see the Halting Problem).

All clubs are dangerous. In addition, zombie clubs are very dangerous and should be avoided at all costs. Being struck by the blood soaked nails of a zombie club may turn you into a zombie. The effect of being struck by a clean zombie club, or at least, the clean nails of a club, is yet unknown.

Aside on nails

The best Zombie Clubs use 6 inch nickel-plated nails, usually acquired by Zombie raids on Do It All widely speculated to have been a significant factor in its downfall as a retail giant.

Defending Yourself

The best defense against a zombie club, other than a speedy retreat, is a garbage can lid used as a shield. Other metal-based, plate-shaped objects would suffice, in the absence of garbage cans nearby.

The use of a zombie club to parry against the strike of another is strongly discouraged, as The Risk of sustaining self-inflicted wounds from wielding such a club is too great. Given how zombies have great difficulty using the weapons, often wounding themselves in the process, one can deduce that the extent of injury from trying to defend oneself from a zombie with a zombie club would be too severe to justify its use.

Despite the inherent danger, the art of defending oneself with a Zombie Club is well established. Many people who follow the art of Saphwo-Fondo favor their use in combat Situations. As mentioned, wielding a zombie club can be *extremely dangerous* and if attempted at home, can result in grievous injury.

NB: The zombie club has no effect on other zombies, who are immune to its powers. Hence, zombies often will strike each other with their zombie clubs for limited comic effect in the spawn zone.

Origins

The zombie club originated in the film 28 Days Later where it was used extensively to club the remaining inhabitants of Britain in the head, once it had been deserted as part of a mass exodus when the zombie threat was discovered, an act known colloquially as 'braining'.

Modern Day

Zombie clubs are still a real danger in games such as Counter Strike, World of Warcraft and Guildwars to name but a few.

Myths

Many believe that being 'nailed' with a zombie club is an easy path to Immortality - unfortunately this is untrue as seen by the Untimely deaths of Zaphira Aslam in a recent nailing accident.

A new myth that is being spread in the street is that procreating with a zombie whilst both are pierced with a Zombie Club will create a new hybrid with significant evolutionary advantages over their zombie and human parents. This has been proven to be untrue and in fact, the offspring produced would have similar characteristics to that of a child produced between siblings.

References

• Mathematical Methods for Physics and Engineering; Cambridge University Press; 3Rev Ed EDition (13 Mar 2006) (ISBN 978-0521679718)
• The Zombie Survival Guide; Max Brooks; Gerald Duckworth & Co Ltd (August 27, 2004) (ISBN 978-0715633182)
• World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War; Max Brooks; Crown (September 12, 2006) (ISBN 978-0307346605)
• Zombies! Feast; Shane McCarthy and Chris Bolton; IDW Publishing (January 24, 2007) (ISBN 978-1600100284)