Hold on to your kids (Book)
Hold on to your kids is a 2004 book by Dr. Gordon Neufeld and Dr. Gabor Maté in which they look at the current trend where peers replacing parents in the lives of many children. The book explores the disturbing consequences of that, and gives logical explanations why it is happening, and gives suggestions what parents can do about it.
Summary
The child's umbilical cord is cut after birth, stopping the nurturing food; later an invisible "umbilical cord" forms between the child and its parents that make the nurturing parenting possible. This "umbilical cord" is the attachment that needs to be form between child and parents. Having this attachment in place, parenting is natural and easy. Without it, the "umbilical cord" is cut; parents can not reach the child.
The book argues that parents are not aware of this and if something goes wrong, they try to find remedies in parental techniques. If that does not work they look for problems in themselves or they look for problems in the child, when in fact the problem is in the relationship.
The book argues that there is a current trend where the children losing the important attachment("umbilical cord") to their parents, so children turn to their peers for satisfying their attachment hunger. But peers are not qualified to take that role.
Hold on to your kids shows how to maintain this attachment or how to recollect your children if they are already lost to their peers.
The book also argues against some popular believes and worries parents sometime have. Some of them are:
popular believes / worries |
book arguments |
|---|---|
we should foster independence from younge age |
child needs dependence first in order the develop independence skills |
focus on the child behavior |
focus should be on the relationship, connection of the "umbilical cord", then child can be easily influenced |
teach him a lesson for bad behavior |
child won't learn from the lesson without the attachment ("umbilical cord") |
send her to her room for punishment |
that may go against her attachment needs, may push her to turn to her peers |
child should not be shy infront of peers |
shyness shows that he/she can not attach easily to those he/she does not know well; probably he/she has a healthy attachment to the parents |
See also
- Attachment theory
- Attachment parenting