Disengaging from an abuser using the no contact rule or grey rock method

Two popular psychology self-help strategies are believed to be useful in disengaging from cluster B abusers (including narcissists and psychopaths):

• no contact rule
• grey rock method or grey rock technique (US spelling "gray").

Of The Two, the no contact rule was established earlier. The grey rock method is a fallback strategy if the no contact rule is not practicable. It focuses on boring the abuser and may not be as effective.

No contact rule

The no contact rule is usually considered to be the best strategy to disengage from an abuser. It is used in various contexts including by children of narcissistic parents to escape from narcissistic abuse.

But it may not be possible, for example, if the abused has to work with the abuser or is divorced from the abuser but has shared child custody. Low contact and/or the grey rock method May Be less satisfactory but pragmatic alternatives.

Hoovering

Even with no contact by the abused, an abuser may try to "hoover" the abused back if he or she knows how to contact the abused. Various techniques may be used, including:

Grey rock method

The grey rock method uses boredom to deny narcissistic supply, stimulation or attention to the abuser for example by:

Thus the abused tries to BLEND into the background like a metaphorical grey rock in the landscape. "Keeping your head down", "keeping a low profile" and "lying low" are related expressions. Without the abuser getting narcissistic supply, stimulation or attention, he or she is likely to go elsewhere to try to get it. It is important that the abuser does not work out that the abused is putting on an act or it could badly backfire. It should not be taken to an extreme level.

See also

• Abusive power and control
• Don't feed the trolls
• Personal BOUNDARIES

Further reading

• Aniston J (2017) ‘‘Narcissist: No Contact With The Narcissist! Escaping Narcissism & Narcissistic Personality Disorder’’
• Ault A (2017) ‘‘Hoovering: How to Resist the Pull of a Toxic Relationship & Recover Your Freedom Now’’
• Ballard Z (2014) ‘‘Narcissist Free: A Survival Guide for the No-Contact Break-Up ‘’
• Braswell L (2013) ‘‘Ignore the Guy, Get the Guy: The Art of No Contact: A Woman's Survival Guide to Mastering A Breakup and Taking Back Her Power’’
• Little A (2016) ‘‘No Contact Survivor: Escaping from a lifetime of abuse’’

External links

• Hart J Coparenting with a Narcissist the Gray Rock Technique (2016) (see coparenting)
• Learning No Contact, Gray Rock And Mirroring To Survive Divorcing A Narcissist firstwivesworld.com (2016)
• Hoovering outofthefog (2015).