Suzanne Segal

Suzanne Segal (1955-1997) is noted in the literature of enlightenment for an extraordinary occurrence as she boarded a bus in Paris in 1982 to attend a birthing class. According to her account, she lost all sense of a self. In her biography, Collision With The Infinite, she describes it as follows: "I lifted my right foot to step up into the bus and collided head-on with an invisible force that entered my awareness like a silently exploding stick of dynamite, blowing the door of my usual consciousness open and off its hinges, splitting me in two. In the gaping space that appeared, what I had previously called 'me' was forcefully pushed out of its usual location inside me into a new location that was approximately a foot behind and to the left of my head. 'I' was now behind my body looking out at the world without using the body's eyes."
The Effect On Her
She was troubled deeply by the change in her. She said her personal identity disappeared and she began to live in terror. She describes her situation this way: "The personal self was gone, yet here was a body and a mind that still existed empty of anyone who occupied them. The experience of living without a personal identity, without an experience of being somebody, an "I" or a "me," is exceedingly difficult to describe, but it is absolutely unmistakable. It can't be confused with having a bad day or coming down with the flu or feeling upset or angry or spaced out. When the personal self disappears there is no one inside who can be located as being you. The body is only an outline, empty of everything of which it had previously felt so full. The mind, body, and emotions no longer referred to anyone—there was no one who thought, no one who felt, no one who perceived."
Her Quest For Understanding
She sought explanations from various experts. Psychiatrists diagnosed her with Depersonalization disorder. The change and her desperate problem took a toll on her marriage to a French physician, and they eventually divorced. Attending graduate school in psychology, she decided on a PhD rather than a Master's. Having seen various therapists, she met one who told her she had no business pursuing a degree in her field if she had no idea who she was. Her studies, though, also served to help her understand how to compensate for her plight. In 1992, a year after finishing graduate school, she began exploring Buddhism and Eastern thought. She also found a therapist, Stephen Bodian, in Marin County, California, who helped her see her condition in a different, more favorable light. Bodian introduced her to his spiritual teacher, Jean Klein. She began to regard her condition differently. The loss of her self was not a curse, but a blessing.
She took this to heart and began teaching others about her insights.
Her Final Months
In summer 1996 she experienced a series of events in her head, which she called "hits," powerful hits. At first they were pleasant, rapturous, then they increasingly disturbed her, causing her to rest after especially strong ones. In early 1997 X-Rays revealed a brain tumor. As the cancer progressed, she felt less connected with what she had called the vastness.
Interpretations
In her brief life she encountered competing explanations for her condition, finally finding relief in an Eastern spiritualist understanding. The tumor makes her situation a candidate for neuroscientific description as some epileptics are also prone to experiences they consider mystical. The jury remains out on the proper explanation for Segal's and others' experiences, though each camp, mystical and physicalist, has its own viewpoint.
In the book Collision with the Infinite written by Suzanne Segal about her personal experience before and after the “personal self fell away”, she said “ I might as well call the experience by a clinical name in the hope that someone in world would recognize it.”. She was referring to depersonalization, Depersonalization disorder or DPD.
Writings
* Collision with the Infinite: A Life Beyond the Personal Self. San Diego, Calif: Blue Dove Press, 1998. ISBN 978-1884997273
Notes and references

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