Making a hat from scratch

Here are some basic tips to making your own hat from scratch:

1) Choose the colour of the hat. -It's alright to keep the colour in your head but my advice is to jot it down on a piece of paper so you don't forget.

2) Jot the colour down on a piece of paper. -Thought you'd ignore 1) did you? Well don't. If you forget the colour you could end up with a hat resembling a rainbow, which could give off the wrong impression to preying men.

3) Choose the fabric. -Please God remember: Don't eat the fabric. It could get stuck in your throat or worse it could strangle your teeth causing gum disease. Once you have chosen the fabric AND colour you're ready to begin our six step program to making a hat from scratch!

4) Make sure you've written the colour and fabric you'll be using down on a piece of paper, otherwise you are not eligible to move up to the six step program.

SIX STEP PROGRAM

STEP 1: Sow the hat with a needle and thread. -It really is that simple. Using the right fabric and colour you have chosen (presumably written on a piece of paper) you sow the hat. Make sure to sow it correctly and not incorrectly, incorrectly is wrong. Correctly is right.

STEP 2: Picking up the hat: So now you should have completed the hat. The best thing to do is to leave it dry for an hour or two, then you're ready for Step 2, 'picking up the hat.' It really is that simple, next you just pick up the hat. My advice is to use your right hand if you are right handed or your left hand if you are left handed. A double grip approach; where one uses two hands, is sometimes easier if you are not familiar with the next step.

STEP 3: Putting the hat on your head: It really is that simple, if you followed Step 2 closely you should have the hat in either one hand or both. That's good. But do you really want to wear a hat on your hand? I didn't think so. Raising the hat vertically towards the sky and lowering it on your head may seem complicated but we'll take it in two easy moves. Move One -Lift the hat above your head. Move Two -Lower the hat onto your head. Your half way there!

STEP 4: Adjusting the hat. -Make sure the hat isn't on backwards or inside out, in the latter you may half to repeat Step 3 though in reverse. Make sure you have the hat on nice and tight, you don't want it coming off.

STEP 5: Storage: Once you have finished wearing your hat it should either be neatly packed and placed in your drawer or else kept in a fridge. It's advised to keep it on the bottom shelf so as that other foods in the fridge won't be contaminated, a bad move that often results in food poisoning. NEVER sleep with that hat on. If the hat were to expand in your sleep it could cover your eyes causing one to wake up thinking they were blind, picking up a blunt hammer and beating themselves violently to death. In America last year 34 people died as a result of 'blind-hat'.

STEP 6: Enjoy. -Try to enjoy wearing that hat. Remember, hat's can come off, if you feel you're getting sick of it why not take it off and leave it for a rainy day? Incidentally, hat's are good for keeping the rain from your head, but they won't stay dry forever! And remember, a fun hat is a clean hat. Do not use your hat as a public bin, people will only abuse it.

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