The following is a list of characters from Epic Movie.
The Orphans Peter Peter (Adam Campbell) is a parody of Peter Pevensie. He is a student at the mutant academy, where he is always bullied. A running joke is that whenever there is danger, he sprouts small chicken wings & acts like a chicken. His original character was a parody of Archangel from the X-Men comics.
Edward Edward (Kal Penn) was an orphan who lived in an orphanage in Mexico. A parody of Edmund Pevensie, He was always served horrible food by the cook. He wished to be a lucha libre wrestler and was beaten up by another orphan. Later when he was in Gnarnia, he joined the White Bitch and was betrayed by her. His character was from Nacho Libre.
Lucy Lucy (Jayma Mays) was an orphan who lived with a museum curator. Based on the character of Lucy Pevensie, she is incredibly dull and has a habit of repeating Susan. Her only family, the curator, was killed by Silas. Her character was from The Da Vinci Code.
Susan Susan (Faune A. Chambers) was an orphan based on Susan Pevensie who was flying to her new parents, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, at the start of the film. While on the plane, hundreds of snakes are there. She was thrown out of the plane by Samuel L. Jackson. She landed on Paris Hilton. Her character was from Snakes on a Plane.
The White Bitch's Army The White Bitch The White Bitch (Jennifer Coolidge) was the evil ruler of Gnarnia. She overthrew Aslo who was the true king of Gnarnia. She tricked Edward into giving information on where his siblings were hiding. She then betrayed him and had him sent to the dungeon. She also stabbed Captain Jack Swallows. She was killed when Swallows crushed her with his wheel from the to which Swallows yells "Sorry! (bitch)."
Blink Blink (Tony Cox) was the White Bitch's chariot driver. He was a midget. A running joke is that he is always hurting Edward. He possibly died when Edward body-slammed him.
Silas
Silas (Kevin Hart) was the White Bitch's henchman. He was the one who killed Lucy's father-figure. He also injured Mr. Tumnus by shooting him several times with a pistol. He fought with Aslo with the fight scenes his actor along with Aslo's were replaced with Chinese martial artists. He was killed when Aslo snapped his neck.
Other Army Members (various actors)
There were also a lot of other members of the White Bitch's army.
Stormtroopers Before the final battle with the White Bitch, a few Stormtroopers were seen with the rest of the army.
Gnarnia Inhabitants Aslo Aslo Fred Willard was the true king of Gnarnia. He was a lion or "li-man". He would sleep with anyone if they were desperate enough. He helped the kids kill Silas & rescue Edward from the White Bitch. He was killed by the White Bitch's wand/sword.
Mr. Tumnus Mr. Tumnus (Héctor Jiménez) was a faun. A human-goat hybrid (according to Lucy, he has his mother's goatee). He was injured by Silas. He and Harry Beaver are life partners. He also has a house with pretty girls with flatscreens on the top of their heads (for when they you know..., shine my hooves), flatscreens in his toilet and a fridge full of Kristal Champagne among other luxurious things (Mr. Tumnus parodies the MTV show Cribs when he shows "Lucy" around his house).
Harry Beaver
Harry Beaver (voiced by Katt Williams) is, as his name suggests, a beaver. He is the life partner of Mr. Tumnus. The first and second time the orphans meet him, Lucy exclaims, "A talking beaver!" then kicks him. He is a parody of Mr. Beaver from The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe.
Harry Potter Harry Potter (Kevin McDonald) was a student at Hogwarts. Unlike the real Harry Potter, this one is in his forties and his Invisibility Cloak does not work. Harry appears to be a pervert, as when he puts on the (fake) Invisibility Cloak he goes over to Susan and plays with her breasts.
Ron Weasley Ron Weasley (George Alvarez) was a student at Hogwarts. Unlike the real Ron, this one is much older. He is balding. While helping Susan train to defeat the White Bitch, he gets shot in the neck with an arrow.
Hermione Granger Hermione Granger (Crista Flanagan) was a student at Hogwarts. She is pregnant presumably by Harry because she said, "I hope you kids are on the pill. Harry likes to get wasted and show off his ."
Hagrid Hagrid (Scott L. Schwartz) was the groundskeeper at Hogwarts. He only appeared briefly being killed by Peter.
Professor McGonagall Professor McGonagall was the deputy headmistress at Hogwarts. She only appeared briefly being killed by Peter.
Dumbledore Dumbledore was the headmaster at Hogwarts. He only appeared briefly being killed by Peter. when he knocked the sword out of harry potters hand when harry was teaching harry how to swordfight.
Captain Jack Swallows
Captain Jack Swallows (Darrell Hammond) was a pirate. He was very drunk and hard to understand. He helped Edward escape from the dungeon and later betrayed him for money. The White Bitch stabbed him and he was presumed dead. That is, until he came back on his wheel and crushed the White Bitch. The four orphans (main characters) were killed by Captain Jack Swallow's wheel as they marched out of the wardrobe at the end of the movie.
Other Characters Ashton Kutcher Ashton Kutcher (David Lehre) was at the White Bitch's castle. He Punk'd Edward. He then repeatedly exclaimed over and over again, "You just got Punk'd!" and was bragging about his hat until Edward got annoyed and punched him out.
Nacho Nacho (Jareb Dauplaise) was the cook at the orphanage where Edward was. He always cook horrid things such as dead cats. When Edward criticised his cooking, he ripped off his robe revealing wrestling tights. He then screamed, "NACHOOOOOOOOOOOOO—cheese flavored Doritos are delicious!" He then proceeded to open the bag, take out two handfuls of Doritos, crush them up, and sneeze them onto Edward.
Chanchito After Nacho sneezed crushed up Doritos onto Edward, Edward began to complain about his situation and claimed he will be a lucha libre wrestler. Nacho then called another orphan named Chanchito (Rico Rodriguez) who then put on a Nacho Libre mask and beat up Edward.
Samuel L. Jackson Samuel L. Jackson (James Walker Sr.) was on the plane Susan was on when it filled with snakes. He came out and said, "I've had it with these mother fucking snakes on this mother fucking plane!" repeatedly (in the theatrical version, "mother fucking" is replaced with "god damn"). When questioned by Susan on why he was yelling, he tells her, "I'm Samuel god damn Jackson! I'm always yelling!" and proceeded to throw her out of the plane. His character seems to be a parody of Dave Chappelle's version of Jackson.
Paris Hilton Paris Hilton (Alla Petrou) was seen coming out of a store when Susan was thrown out of the plane by Samuel L. Jackson. Susan landed on Elle, crushing her. Her dog then ran off. Her only line was "I'm so hot."
Wolverine Wolverine (Vince Vieluf) was a student at the Mutant Academy. He was one of the people who always bullied Peter. His girlfriend was Mystique. He later appeared in Gnarnia to help the orphans defeat the White Bitch.
Cyclops Cyclops (Tad Hilgenbrink) was a student at the Mutant Academy. He was one of the people who always bullied Peter. He is only a background character and has only one line when Peter sprouted chicken wings. He later appeared in Gnarnia to help the orphans defeat the White Bitch.
Storm Storm (Kashanna Evans) was a student at the Mutant Academy. She was one of the people who always bullied Peter. She is only a background character and only has one line, which is "He's going to spread angel wings" while Peter starts to sprout wings. She later appeared in Gnarnia to help the orphans defeat the White Bitch.
Rogue Rogue (Lindsey Kraft) was a student at the Mutant Academy. She was one of the people who always bullied Peter. She used her power on Mystique's friend after she insulted her hair. She later appeared in Gnarnia to help the orphans defeat the White Bitch.
Mystique Mystique (Carmen Electra) was a student at the Mutant Academy. She was asked by Peter to the homecoming dance. She later had sex with him upon learning that he was the true king of Gnarnia.
Mystique's Friend Mystique's friend LC (pronounced l-cee) was a student at the Mutant Academy. She was knocked out by Rogue after insulting her hair. Her character was played by Lauren Conrad of the Hills and Laguna Beach.
Magneto Magneto (Jim Piddock) was the principal of the Mutant Academy. He broke up a potential fight between Peter & Wolverine saying that Peter was too much of a pussy to stand up for himself. He then opened a locker in Peter's face. He later appeared in Gnarnia to help the orphan defeat the White Bitch but was knocked out when all the metal nearby, including a large chamber pot, stuck to him.
Borat Borat (Danny Jacobs) appeared at the end of the movie. He then congratulated the orphans on making the movie have a happy ending. Then Captain Jack Swallows crushed them. Borat then said, "NOT!" In the unrated version, he also appears in the crowd when the orphans go to see Aslo.
Willy
Willy (Crispin Glover) is the owner of the Willy! Candy Company. He holds a contest for a tour of his factory, but the "tour" turned out to be a trap to get people to come so he can make candy out of them. He has what appears to be a chocolate river in his factory. It's actually the sewer line. Edward found this out the hard way because Willy said this after Edward had already eaten some big, gooey, nasty piles of diarrhea shits. Basically as he said, . He then makes candy out of the orphans while dancing to the tune of Fergalicious. At the end of the film Willy had a little song called He's Willy sung by the Oopma Loompas which spoofs the song Willy Wonka's Welcome Song.
Oompa Loompas There are many Oompa Loompas at Willy's chocolate factory. They look almost exactly like they did in Charlie & the Chocolate Factory except that they are dressed in shiny pink jumpsuits.