Englishitis is a rare and deadly disease which commonly affects teenagers. This disease primarily exhibits itself in the form of long, raw, red marks on the skin; raised red dots along the forearms and calves; severe, persistent coughing of adjectives; an overwhelming desire to shout out nouns; and a strong urge to research controversial issues. Englishitis was primarily believed to be a physical ailment until further research by Purdue University made a connection between the physical manifestations (long marks, red dots, persistent coughing) and the psychological manifestations (noun shouting and issue researching).
Englishitis was first discovered by Dr. Colleen M. Shannon during her residency at Sinai Hospital in Baltimore. During the spring of 2000, Dr. Shannon noticed a dramatic increase in the number of "unidentifiable" cases which were reported by hospital staff. In an effort to distinguish herself, Dr. Shannon began researching the cases and drawing connections between the seemingly unrelated patients. "The first thing which jumped out at me," Dr. Shannon states, "was that a majority of the patients were between 14 and 18 years of age. Occassionally I would come across a bunching of 19-22 year olds as well." Dr. Shannon coined the term "englishitis" because the long, raw, red marks seemed to resemble commas and the raised red dots looked like periods. "It wasn't until I concluded my research with a team from Purdue Univeristy that I realized how appropriate the name would be," Dr. Shannon admits sheepishly. "The adjective coughing, noun shouting, and issue researching reminds me of personal illnesses I experienced while earning my B.A. in English at Sacramento State University."