Carlos Xuma

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Carlos Xuma (born, 3/20/1974) is an American author, dating advisor, motivational speaker and life coach. He is a notable member of the American seduction community, and an early innovator of the current wave of 'dating advice for men' teachers and speakers. He is most noted for his concepts of the "Alpha Man" and a philosophy of men's self-development as a path to success in dating and romance. He is also credited with founding Dating Dynamics, an Internet based company providing dating advice .

Xuma has made many notable appearances in front of live audiences, on live and Internet radio, ABC television, and has appeared in print in many major online and magazine publications .

Background

According to Xuma he started out studying the social dynamics and interaction between men and women. This lead him to integrate his martial arts training and Eastern philosophy into a system of explanations and metaphors of human interaction and motivational explanations.

Xuma's core idea is the Alpha Male, who displays masculine and leadership behavior. According to Xuma, this personality types incorporates useful traits, such as emotional and social intelligence, ambition, verbal acuity, and a keen perception of character. He encourages men to communicate their masculinity and sexuality with both techniques (model verbal and physical actions) and confidence-building to ensure that they are achieving authentic attraction.

Advice on Attraction

Xuma argues that most of the problems men face in romance and attraction stem from a gender disadvantage: women are socialized to be collaborators and communicators from early childhood, while men are socialized as independent and competitors. His instruction aims to rehabilitate of a man's self-confidence. He describes the three primary parts of a man's masculine confidence as: 1) Self-esteem (how worthy a man views himself), 2) Self-image (the roles or actions a man can and cannot envision himself performing), and 3) Self-confidence (how certain a man is about his world and abilities in general.)

Furthermore, three parts appeal to a man's attractiveness to women: 1) Self-discipline, 2) Self-confidence, and 3) Sense of humor. These are referred to as the "Three S's," and they form the framework of a man's approach to interaction with women.

Xuma contends that men in the post-feminist era (born after 1970) lack advantage with women in terms of socialization. Due to the proliferation of media images and - as Xuma states - "Disney programming," men are confused as to their gender roles and to what women find genuinely and uniquely attractive about men. These attractive qualities, Xuma states, have not changed - only undergone an evolution.

Relationships are no longer what they once were - required for survival, and that the only remaining enticement of marriage and long-term relationships is self-improvement. Xuma is noted as saying: "You will learn more about yourself in the context of a long-term relationship then you will in any other way.

Used terms

Tease-to-Please: This is a form of communication that hearkens back to playground days when boys and girls flirted by the "illogical" method of displaying apparent disinterest - even slight heckling. It is this challenge, Carlos Xuma states, that generates instinctual attraction in humans.

New Age Trap: When a more intelligent and progressive man (sometimes sensitive as well) taps into his potential, he can sometimes become too self-aware. This self-awareness then becomes social self-consciousness. Also, the trap occurs when we start to think that our awareness of these "progressive" concepts makes us superior or somehow on a different "plane of thinking."

Dating Continuum (Meet — Mate — Move on…): The dating continuum is Carlos Xuma's concept of the natural progression of romantic relationships. It is very simple: Meet, mate, move on.
Move on can mean breaking up, OR it can mean moving into deeper layers of a committed relationship — or alternate forms of relationships.

Pickup Gap: The gap between who you really are and the "pickup persona" you adopt to be attractive to women. When we learn there are "rules" and "tactics" to the art of attraction, we tend to manufacture an alternate version of ourselves: Pickup Guy. And after Pickup Guy runs out of clever routines, scripts, and stories, there's a gap between him and you that needs to be crossed to get REAL and connect with a woman. REAL GAME will overcome this. (This syndrome is often the cause of the "uncomfortable silence" in conversations.

Upward/Downward Spiral: A self-reinforcing feedback loop in human behavior, whereby positive actions yield positive results, and those positive results reinforce the actions. The opposite is true of the "Downward" spiral. This theory serves to explain escalation of success and failure as relating to social interactions.

Pendulum Theory: Carlos Xuma's theory that almost all interpersonal phenomenon can be observed as occurring on the limits of a "pendulum." The behavior emulates the scientific principle of closed systems settling into equilibrium.

Persona/Personality: Persona is the social "mask" many people adopt to function in different social environments. You have a different "persona" for church as opposed to a party or a nightclub. Yet, your personality remains constant.

Social/Attraction Friction: As described by Carlos Xuma, subcommunication that jeopardizes attraction by creating subconscious resistance in the target. Aggravation, fatigue, or confusion occurs in the mind as a result of something the other person picks up on about you. Social Friction cannot be completely eliminated except by eliminating the social encounter.

REAL Game: Carlos Xuma's method of healthy social dynamics to the game of attracting women. REAL is a double-acronym which stands for: R Relaxed & Resourceful, E Effective & Energized, A Authentic & Alpha, L Lifestyle and Lasting.

Male Panic Syndrome: The situation where a woman will play challenge with a man and his self-image pushes him into internal panic, believing that he messed something up in the social interaction. He then proceeds to stop teasing and being a confident "Alpha" in an effort to appease her.

Quotes
*You will learn more about yourself in the context of a long-term relationship than anywhere else.
*Find the right attitude and you'll always have the right technique.
*If you are heading on a path towards your passions and purpose, women will want to come along for the ride.
*You will learn more in one night of approaching women than in a month of reading about it online.
*Anything worth doing in life will NOT be easy.

Bibliography
Ebooks

*The Dating Black Book (1st Edition, 2002, 207pp)
*The Seduction Method (1st Edition, 2003, 307pp)
*The Secrets of the Alpha Man (1st Edition, 2004, 393pp)
*Transitions: Stepping Stones to Success (1st Edition, 2002, 34pp)
*Dating Q&A (1st Edition, 2005, 75pp)
*Meet Her Now (2nd Edition, 2005, 30pp)
*Supreme Self-confidence (2nd Edition, 2003, 32pp)
*The Alpha Rules (with Dean Cortez) (1st Edition, 2007, 230pp)
*The Alpha Manifesto (2008, 76pp)

Videography/Discography
DVDs

*Advanced Secrets of the Alpha Man: Alpha Immersion (4 DVDs)
*Alpha Lifestyle: Triple-Threat (6 DVDs)
*Approach Women 2: Real Alpha Daygame (4 DVDs/16 CDs)

CDs
*Approach Women 2: Real Alpha Daygame (4 DVDs/16 CDs)
*Secrets of the Alpha Man (6 CDs)
*Alpha Conversation & Persuasion (14 CDs)
*Approach Women -NOW (4 CDs)
*Get Your Man (4 CDs)
*Advanced Coaching Series - Guests: David Shade, Lance Mason, Will Hicks, Joe Quirk, Michelle Langley, et al. (Monthly program, Session 1 produced 9/2003, still in production as of Session 48 in 9/2007.)
*Interviews with Dating Gurus - (David DeAngelo.)
*Power Social Skills (15 CDs)
*Interviews with Dating & Relationship Experts (Christian Carter)

MP3s
*Get a Girlfriend FAST: Alpha Dating Power (5 hours of MP3 audio)

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See Also

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